Jay Fields is a mighty force
And she wants us to know: being smart isn't enough
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And now: On to Jay!
Jay Fields
This is Jay’s love story: A fire ravaged the property of her Ojai, California home, sending her fleeing down the mountain, where she moved into a friend’s mother-in-law suite and — wait for it — fell in love with the guy who lived next door.
…Who was a retired fire captain.
This was at the beginning of the pandemic, and Dave (the retired fire captain) wasn’t the only silver lining to rise from the ashes of that fire: Jay also gained a close-knit community of neighbors who looked out for each other during that incredibly isolating time in our shared history — so isolating, in fact, that the surgeon general recently declared an epidemic of loneliness.
Which brings us to what Jay does for a living, which is to help people relate to each other, and themselves, more fully, as an educator and somatic coach (more on what “somatic coach” means below). Jay is also a LinkedIn Learning instructor who teaches Managing Your Emotions at Work, Practices for Regulating Your Nervous System and Reducing Stress, and Overcoming Insecurity for More Confidence at Work.
As Jay puts it when we connect on Zoom, so many people struggle to be themselves and be close to another person at the same time. We can feel like ourselves when we’re alone, but sacrifice connection; or we can choose closeness with others, often at our own expense. Another way of describing this phenomenon, which Jay uses in our conversation: A whole lot of people struggle to have their insides and their outsides match.
Boy, does this resonate. I remember being in my 20s and meeting a woman in Washington, DC, named Kimberly Wilson, who ran a yoga studio and had a blog and a podcast and was publishing a book (the list goes on); she was the first person I had ever met whose outer life seemed an authentic reflection of who she truly was. Every aspect of her life was designed with intention to reflect her vision and personality and values. She became a role model to me, one who was instructive in setting me on my own eventual path to entrepreneurship. (Thank you, Kimberly!)
Which brings me back to Jay. What to call this desired state of being, where internal and external are in alignment? Jay calls it “embodiment,” which she defines as experiencing yourself and the world, versus thinking about yourself and the world. In other words, it’s about a kind of connected presence, where you don’t filter everything intellectually or at a remove, but rather, you feel it; you’re in it.
“‘Embodiment’ means experiencing yourself and the world, versus thinking about yourself and the world.” - Jay Fields
Jay’s own path to embodiment began after a traumatic experience in early adulthood, which left her struggling and without community. As she rebuilt her life, she realized that she felt most herself when she was practicing yoga. Then she wondered: if the version of herself that showed up on the yoga mat was her true self, then who was the version of her that showed up everywhere else? Alone, she increasingly realized, she felt whole and capable; around others, she felt herself freeze, or flail, or people-please.
So began her life’s work: To become embodied, and to help others do the same.
When we connected by Zoom, Jay was in the final stages of preparing a talk she’s giving in Austria this summer, at the 15 Second Festival, titled, What thought you here won’t get you there. “Being smart isn’t enough,” she told me. “We don’t need more brilliant minds — we need embodied people who know how to relate.”
“We don’t need more brilliant minds — we need embodied people who know how to relate.” - Jay Fields
“We get relating wrong,” Jay continued. “We don’t have the skill sets for it, but we think we do, because we’re smart and can do so many other things.”
Or, as she puts it on her website, “Whoever you are and no matter what you’re searching for personally or professionally, I suspect you’ve figured out by now that getting it isn’t solely a cerebral activity. If it were, you would have already nailed it.”
“So many people are body-snatched at their jobs,” Jay told me. “And you don’t know it, until you aren’t. You don’t know your experience isn’t a full one.”
“So many people are body-snatched at their jobs. And you don’t know it, until you aren’t. You don’t know your experience isn’t a full one.”
So, how do you begin to have a fuller experience?
It starts with onion breath.
(Stay with me.)
“Let’s say we’re meeting in person, and I just ate lunch, and I have really terrible onion breath,” Jay says. “And you get up the courage to say, ‘Jay, this is awkward, but I have to tell you, your breath is pretty oniony, I wonder if you might have a mint you can use?’”
Jay Fields wears sunglasses and poses with her motorcycle.
Jay continues: “There are a few ways I can react. Maybe I get defensive, and say, ‘Are you seriously talking to me about my breath? That is so rude. As if your breath is so great.’ Or maybe I crumple into myself a bit, and apologize profusely — ‘I’m so sorry, oh my god, yes, I’ll get a mint right away.’”
“Or maybe,” she says, “I say, ‘Oh, yikes, thanks so much for telling me - that must have been hard. I’ll grab a mint.’”
In all three scenarios, Jay explains, the underlying emotion she’s experiencing is embarrassment. But only in the third scenario was she confident that she could manage the feeling in her body. She didn’t have to make me “bad” (“how dare you”), or herself “bad” (“I’m so terrible for having bad breath”). She could relate, versus doing what she calls “staying in strategy.”
I ask her to explain. “People-pleasing is a strategy,” she says. “So is overachieving, or numbing, defending, or enabling. I choose one of these strategies when I don’t feel good in my body and I am trying to create an external solution that will make my insides feel better.” By contrast, “When I know how to make my insides an ok place to be, I can stay embodied, and I can therefore relate to you as my whole, authentic self.”
So then, the million dollar question: How on earth do we learn to make our insides feel ok?!
“Find a baby entry point,” Jay advises. “Anything you can do with your body that feels pleasant or neutral.” She offers wiggling your toes as an example, or putting your hand on your heart. Then, when you start to feel stressed — when someone calls out your onion breath, for example, or says something that hurts your feelings, or shares unpleasant news — do that thing, as a way of reminding yourself, “This stressful feeling is true, AND, this pleasant or neutral feeling is also true.”
From the moment I met Jay, via an introduction from our mutual friend Lisa Gates (read my profile of Lisa), I felt an instant depth and connection and ease, which I believe is a testament to how much she embodies, well, embodiment! As we ended our Zoom call, and agreed to keep in touch, I was flooded with inspiration. Jay’s work is absolutely crucial at a moment when so many of us are trying to find meaningful connection. She is without question a mighty force, and she is helping the rest of us realize just how mighty we are, too.
Try this simple exercise that Jay recommends — I did it and was astonished by the change I felt in my body:
For more theory, practices and stories about how to befriend your nervous system and be more fully you, sign up for Jay’s mailing list.