Friday reflection
The disappointment of disagreement
A little girl frowns and turns her thumbs down
I had an experience this week, and I wonder if you’ve had it, where I found myself disagreeing strongly with someone in a way that I found unsettling. The two of us are close, and I was surprised that she and I were not as aligned as I thought we were on a topic that matters quite a bit to me.
Of course, disagreement is a natural part of relationships — and, inconveniently, an aspect of life around which many of us, myself included, carry heavy childhood baggage. Because of all that back-story I carry with me, in the conversation this week, it felt like so much was at stake; I felt myself switching into fight-or-flight mode, and it got to me on a deep level that I’m still processing (….obviously!).
In the meantime, it’s got me thinking about how we disagree with each other, and how we relate to disagreement, and how that affects our ability to be effective in the world on behalf of the things we care about most.
Some thoughts — and questions:
It feels especially tender to disagree on a values level, because it can feel like no matter what you say, the other person sees things a whole different way. Can you think of a time that you disagreed, on a values level, with someone you cared about?
Feeling like alignment is futile can be a scary place to be, when you care about the person and/or the issue at hand. What is it, I wonder, that makes us feel alignment is futile, in some situations? Have you ever successfully navigated through this feeling? If so, how?
If, like me, you pride yourself on being a strong communicator, it can be painful to feel your powers of communication fail to create connection with someone you love and/or about something you care about deeply. I hear my ego in this, and my desire to control. What is an area where you’re used to being successful, where perhaps it feels especially painful to fall short?
You may be wondering what this all has to do with raising our voices as women. I’d posit that many of us are conflict-averse and that it holds us back. We don’t say something in a meeting, on a call, or on LinkedIn because we’re afraid of how people will react — we’re afraid that people will disagree with us, and that feels like a terrifying outcome. Underneath all of this, I believe, is our strong need to feel like we belong.
…Which brings me to another question: How can disagreement and belonging coexist? It seems like understanding the answers to this question is fundamental not only to encouraging more women to speak up, and out, but also to the future of our democracy itself.
….And on that light and airy note, I remind you: You are a mighty force.
If you disagree, let’s talk about it.
Amanda
P.S. I have one spot open for a LinkedIn makeover in August, and one in September. Hit ‘reply’ if you want to snag one for yourself or a woman in whom you wish to invest.