Friday reflection

Feeling it all

I’ve been on a real rollercoaster emotionally this week. How about you? (As my friend Christina likes to ask in her coaching: If you’re really honest with yourself, what are you feeling?) I’ve gone from the depths of “I am nowhere near having the impact I want to have in this world” to “I love my life,” and back again. One thing I’ve been dwelling on a lot is my weight — something I’ve written about elsewhere and that is often my go-to topic to obsess over when I’m feeling out of control, despite how much I judge myself for the fixation. I want to be above caring.

I just reread Lindy West’s book, Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman, followed by The Witches Are Coming; reading her unapologetic, smart, funny, feminist-as-fuck voice is like coming home to myself. The quote below, from Shrill (which you may also know as a show on Hulu starring Aidy Bryant), reminds me of all the reasons it pisses me off when I allow our patriarchal culture to permeate my relationship with myself.

“When you raise every woman to believe that we are insignificant, that we are broken, that we are sick, that the only cure is starvation and restraint and smallness; when you pit women against one another, keep us shackled by shame and hunger, obsessing over our flaws rather than our power and potential; when you leverage all of that to sap our money and our time—that moves the rudder of the world. It steers humanity toward conservatism and walls and the narrow interests of men, and it keeps us adrift in waters where women’s safety and humanity are secondary to men’s pleasure and convenience.”

- Lindy West in Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman

Believe me, I would rather obsess over my power and potential (and, some days, I do). But I have learned over the last couple of years that there’s no avoiding feeling what we’re feeling. When I feel ashamed and disgusted and helpless and angry about being 50 pounds heavier than I used to be, there is no way forward but to feel those feelings — to be with the discomfort of them, until, at some point, they dissipate.

This is the only path to real freedom. Which means it’s the only path to real power.

So while I passionately hope for a world free from the shackles of the patriarchy, and am working as hard as I can to do my part in creating it, I also know that acting like we’re too tough to be affected by patriarchy isn’t the way forward.

We’re being oppressed. Period, full stop. Putting pressure on ourselves to single-handedly overcome the impacts of that oppression, then beating ourselves up when we can’t, is only causing ourselves more suffering. It isn’t weak to admit that you obsess about your weight, or that you have imposter syndrome, or any other of the thousands of side effects that patriarchy has saddled you with. It’s not weak, it’s honest. If we equate honesty with weakness, toxic masculinity wins.

But this isn’t the end of the story.

When we feel all of our feelings, when we don’t judge them and push them away, we also open ourselves up to deeper experiences of love and connection and joy. I believe that when we are able to sit authentically with this full spectrum of emotion, from shame and anger to love and enthusiasm, we are standing in our power. And when we stand in our power, we can create a better world.

In other words: The thoughts and feelings you’re ashamed of don’t keep you from being a Mighty Force. In fact, owning them is part of what makes you mighty. And sharing them with other women, so we know we aren’t alone, makes you a mighty force, indeed.

xo

Amanda