Friday reflection
Putting ourselves first
Happy chilly Friday morning (I’m in pants, long sleeves, a scarf, and socks, and my toes and nose are still like icicles!),
This week, I want to share a quote that’s at once annoyingly obvious and yet so fucking painful because of how true it is.
The Quote
"Women in general are trained and raised to please other people.”
- Angela Garbes, author of Essential Labor: Mothering as Social Change and Like a Mother, via Katherine Goldstein’s excellent Double Shift newsletter
As much as I know this, and as much as I have certain strong instincts for self-care in place (if I’m tired, I’m gonna take a nap, and no one’s gonna stop me), it infuriates me to see how underneath or beyond my self-protection is this persistent orientation to focus on my family’s happiness over my own.
Last weekend, I took us apple picking. I was fighting a migraine and PMS (such a fun combination) and as we milled around near the entrance to the farm, where there was a lovely, sun-dappled seating area near a weeping willow tree (my favorite), my husband, Jordan, said, “Why don’t you stay here, while we go out into the orchard?” And I thought, “Goddammit, why didn’t I think of that?” (Also, thank you Jordan for being wonderful.) Why didn’t *I* notice that I was feeling shitty and would be so much happier alone and quiet and soaking up the sun?
My father-in-law was there, and he said, “But apple picking was Amanda’s idea!” And Jordan said, “Yeah, she’s really good at picking activities that will make me and Ali happy, that she actually has no interest in.” Oof. Not that apple-picking is some extraordinarily un-Amanda activity (it actually sounded like fun), but… in general, he’s right. I do that. I do that a lot.
Anyway… once my father-in-law, Jordan, and Ali headed out to pick apples, and I was alone, I noticed a farm trail that went through fields of wildflowers. And I wandered. My head still hurt, and I still felt vague PMS-y rage and ennui (again, yay), but some part of me also felt loved and cared for on a deep level.
The Question
What’s one thing you’ll do this weekend to actively resist your training and conditioning and truly put yourself first?
I’ll share: I am going to go to this one farmers’ market I love, and I’m going to go alone, and I’m going to take my time, and I’m going to bring my journal so that afterwards I can sit with a cup of tea and write.
So there.
You are a mighty force -
Amanda