Friday reflection
Being yourself is not a luxury — but it can sure feel like it.
Hello,
Over drinks earlier this week, my friend, whom I’ll call Daisy, because Daisy is a fun name, told me she feels like there are two identities inside of her: Fun Daisy, and Responsible Daisy.
Once her kids are in college, she’s going to give Fun Daisy permission to take the wheel. In the meantime, she will “endure” (her word) suppressing her authentic self at work every day, because her authentic self (funny, creative, weird in a great way) would not be welcome in her organization (formal, traditional, bureaucratic).
Daisy’s youngest child is 13. That means five more years of “endurance.”
There’s so much to unpack in what Daisy shared. For one thing, why can’t Fun Daisy and Responsible Daisy coexist? Why must they take turns in such dramatic ways? If one is at the wheel, does the other need to be left by the side of the road, or could she be riding shotgun?
…And in fact, that’s how Daisy’s life currently seems to function: She has this job with amazing benefits and flexibility where she feels she has to adopt a persona all day long, AND, she has creative pursuits outside of work — spaces where Fun Daisy gets to run wild.
But.
Even if these two parts of her coexist, even if Fun Daisy is riding shotgun, the current arrangement isn’t working. That was clear the more Daisy shared the levels of stress she lives with. In fact, she was recently diagnosed with clinical anxiety (to which I say, “Welcome to the club!”).
Sometimes, these deals we make with ourselves stop working. Fun Daisy is done pretending that these small allowances are enough. Responsible Daisy can no longer ignore Fun Daisy’s pain.
Because Fun Daisy is Real Daisy.
Responsible Daisy is the voice of Daisy’s inner saboteur, who tells Daisy that what she wants is unrealistic — impractical. Now, “saboteur” might like a negative label, but as my wise friend Sara recently reminded me, our saboteur is looking out for us; sometimes, she points out smart, practical things for us to consider. But she is ultimately a saboteur because she is an expression of our fear. She will never tell us it’s ok to do the brave thing our soul wants or needs from us. She prizes security and stability over all else.
Unfortunately for her, security and stability are an illusion, at least in the forms so many of us pursue. Exhibit A: We just lived through a global pandemic. Exhibit B: Every day people get laid off from jobs they chose for the security or stability; and I can assure you from personal experience that getting laid off feels neither “secure” nor “stable.”
Let’s go back to Responsible Daisy telling Fun Daisy that if she just holds on another five years, she can be in charge. What might happen between now and then to derail that plan? We like to think we can plan in these five- and ten-year increments, but that’s all a story in our heads, because there are so many external factors that we simply do not control. And in the meantime, how might the incredible stress and anxiety that Responsible Daisy is feeling hurt her?
I don’t know if I believe everyone has a calling, but I sure believe everyone has a soul, and that soul wants to dance with its divinity. When we deny it this freedom, this pleasure, for too long, we reach a point where we cannot function. I’ll be vulnerable and share that I’m approaching a point like this in my own life, where my soul is demanding that my writing take center stage. Writer Amanda, or Artist Amanda, as I like to call her, is demanding more.
I can tell her she’s being unrealistic. I can tell her, patiently and with the same patronizing tone a parent might use with a child who expresses her dream, that I can’t make the same money as a writer as I can as a coach and consultant.
Well — do I know that for sure? Plenty of people in the world make a living from their writing.
What if my job isn’t to calculate the odds on what my soul wants, but simply, to listen to her? And to follow her guidance?
Sometimes I look around at people on the subway, or in a cafe, and I see them as spiritual rather than simply physical beings. I imagine what they looked like as babies, who they are when they are alone, what they want more than anything else in the world. And it connects me with such a tenderness, such a softness. This soft place is where things are real.
We spend so much effort trying to get it right, this business of being functional adults in the world, following the rules, playing the game, but then there is what we know when we get very quiet and are very honest with ourselves: We are more than these bodies, we are more than these identities we assume. As Toni Morrison wisely said,
We are traditionally rather proud of ourselves for having slipped creative work in there between the domestic chores and obligations. I'm not sure we deserve such big A-pluses for all that.
I feel like we could replace “creative work” with “being ourselves,” and the quote would mean the same thing.
By the way, “Artist Amanda”? That’s Amanda.
Nice to meet you.
Maybe what I said above is wrong — maybe being ourselves IS a luxury. But maybe it’s a luxury that every single one of us deserves.
You are a mighty force -
Amanda
